Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Kevin's Driving Rules

#1. If you can't drive, DON'T!
#2. Just fucking drive already! Put down your phone, your fucking Blackberry, your make-up and just do what you're supposed to do. There's no mystery here, 9 out of 10 people can't drive without distractions as it is. Put a cell phone in their hands and you'd swear they become window-licking candidates for the short bus.
#3. Not doing the speed limit might keep you safe, unfortunately the same can't be said for the people behind you pulling their fucking hair out!
#4. If you are too a) lazy; b) weak; or c) ignorant to apply 2 oz. of pressure to the turn signal that's 3 inches from your hand, then don't flip me off when you get the horn. ...And oh yeah, fuck you!
#5. Seriously, read #1.
#6. That thing stuck to the top-centre of your windshield is called a rear-view mirror... look at it from time to time!  If there's a chain of cars behind you, and nobody in front of you, change fucking lanes! If there's no lane to change to, re-read #3.
#7. If the traffic your merging into has to slow down for you, you're doing it wrong.
#8. Most parking lots have painted lines on the ground, and you're supposed to park betwen them, not on them! If you look back at your crooked-ass parking job and keep walking away, you're an idiot and shouldn't be pissed at what you find when you get back to the car (dings, dents, scratches, notes, etc...). Have some fucking respect for other people and straighten your shit out!
#9. If you're trying to squeeze past just one more car before your lane merges, and that fucking-jerkoff won't let you in... I'm sorry (you greedy prick). I guess you should have just accepted being 2 cars further back in the 1/2 mile line-up.
#10. If you're weaving in and out of traffic (without signaling of course), and you get to that one spot where you just seem to be blocked from doing anything... it's intentional! Look-up the word 'courtesy' and if you can't show any, then don't expect any.